This post takes place over the span of 14 months. No, I haven't been working on it for 14 months but it is 14 months of emotions, all in one post.
If you read my blog, you know that Ashish and I have been trying for a second baby. When we first stopped using birth control we weren't worried about it. We thought for sure that it wouldn't be too long before we saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test. We didn't stress about it, we were taking it one month at a time. Let me be clear...by no means did we think that it was going to be easy. Infertility is such a touchy subject, for myself included. We knew that it wouldn't happen overnight, or the next month, but we were sure that it would happen. Well, January turned to February, February to March, and still no pregnancy. As the months passed by, I was starting to lose faith. So many of my friends were getting pregnant. Most of which weren't really "trying." Ashish and I had been "trying" for several months at this point. With every pregnancy announcement my heart broke a little bit more. I was ecstatic for my friends but sad for myself. I was in a place where I didn't know how to balance being really happy for them (which I truly was) and sad for myself. I didn't know how to protect my feelings. I didn't know how to put how I was feeling into words (without sounding like a grumpy old troll). So, I didn't. I talked to one friend about it. I closed off everyone else. I didn't really bring it up.
January was a year since we started trying. Infertility along with some other minor health issues sent me into a tailspin. I became depressed and very anxious. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to hang out with anyone. It was a dark time for me, for Ashish. Right before his eyes, his wife, who has always been strong, was falling apart. One day, in the midst of my depression, I fell to my knees, in my closet in prayer. Tears pouring out of my eyes, hands high in the air, I prayed that God would just take this feeling from me. I prayed that God not let the devil get to me. I prayed specifically for what I wanted and what I needed. I pleaded with God to heal me.
In that moment, something happened. I was given a strength that I hadn't had before. I picked myself up off of that floor and I decided to proactive and reactive. God gave me strength, what was I going to do with it? I started seeing a therapist once a week, she is amazing. Talking it out definitely helps. It's so much easier to talk to someone that doesn't know you. Along with talking to a complete stranger, I started talking more with the person that knows more about me than I know about myself, God. Somewhere in the midst of life, I lost sight of the person that gives life. I had a regular prayer life, attended church regular, but had been skipping on my quiet time. I really think God was trying to get my attention. I had to realize that he brought me to this place not to leave me,but to lead me. All I had to do was surrender.
While that was a couple months ago, I still struggle with some anxiety. I am and will continue to be a work in progress. I am surrounded by a ridiculous amount of supportive friends. My family is amazing. I am not ashamed to share my story, this is all apart of my testimony. I know that his plan for me and my family is great. I just can't wait to see what's in store!
"There is power in the name Jesus...to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."
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